Here’s a happy belated Valentines Day to our readers. Who says February doesn’t get all the good holidays? Why, next Monday it’s President’s Day! And whether or not you’re still fuming over Barry Goldwater, it’s an extra day off for most of us—which gives you more time to catch up on this week’s news from our intrepid staff. For those of you who still have to work, however, just think: you would have gotten Monday off if you had simply voted for Goldwater.
Monday, February 13
Smoking weed will make you twice as likely to get in an accident, according to Canadian researchers that are, like, totally super uptight and everything. After analyzing about 50,000 collisions, the researchers found that smoking up to three hours before getting behind the wheel would increase the chances of being in an accident. But it won’t likely be a high-speed crash because drivers will most likely be deciphering Syd Barrett’s guitar solos and staring at their hands to notice.
Tuesday, February 14
It was Valentines Day this week! Forgive us if we can’t muster the enthusiasm for this day, which the entire staff—even us married and seemingly-married folk—derided as a “Hallmark Holiday.” That’s why we threw a bone to those who found themselves single for Valentines Day, and wrote about cars instead. Cars are neat. We get paid to write about cars and not Hallmark greeting cards, no matter how lucrative that job might be around this time of year. We do, however, accept payment in boxes of chocolates.
Wednesday, Feburary 15
The fearsome Dodge Viper had a sufficiently ferocious badge that resembled a fanged, deadly snake…it also resembled Daffy Duck when upside down, so flipping your Viper added that much more humiliation. Now that a new Viper is around the corner, there’s a new snake-themed badge to go with it. The Viper is still at least two years away, but its badge already has a nickname: it’s “Stryker,” which is not in fact an 80s TV show about stealth motorcycles.
Thursday, February 16
A Macan could eat a Cayenne, but it won’t eat Cajun. Famed truck manufacturer Porsche has revised the name of its baby SUV, the Truck Formerly Known As Cajun. It will now be called the Macan. What’s a Macan? We don’t know, but Blake Z. Rong has some ideas. Note: some of these may be accurate, but none of them will be met by Porsche’s staff with tight-lipped mirth.
Friday, February 17
Nissan showed us a “spy” video of the new Pathfinder, not understanding that “spy footage” is meant to be retrieved by “spies” and not a carefully groomed PR team. We reacted to it like a classroom of 3rd graders forced to watch a Ken Burns documentary. But when Nissan snuck in a carefully-disguised sedan that we could only assume to be the next-generation Nissan Altima, we sat up. The 2013 Nissan Altima is slated to debut at the New York Auto Show in April, and we’re collecting information as it drips out of the leaky faucet that is the automotive spy industry.
Did we miss anything? What was your favorite story of the week? Sound off in the comments below.