Taking advantage of the warm spring weather Monday, Vice President Joe Biden parked his 1981 Trans Am in the White House driveway, removed his undershirt, and spent a leisurely afternoon washing the muscle car and drinking beer. “This baby just needs a little scrub down,” said Biden, addressing a tour group as he tucked the sweat-covered top into the belt loop of his cutoff jean shorts. “Gotta get her looking good so I can impress the chicks when I’m cruising down Pennsylvania [Avenue].”
In the world we want to believe in, Vice President and former Delaware Senator Joe Biden is a hard-drinkin’, hell-raisin’, well-meaning Trans Am owner with the bluest of collars and the loudest of Bon Jovi 8-tracks. He loves Hennessy. He’s banned from Dave & Busters. He hitchhiked to Charlotte. He loves the babes. He once jumped a souped-up Harley over the Vietnam Memorial. In short, The Onion’s caricature of Joe Biden is the greatest political satire since George Washington’s cherry tree, transforming the Chairman of the Senate Committee on Foreign Relations to the working-class hero of anybody who’s ever peeled out of a Waffle House parking lot in a Firebird with a tallboy of Icehouse and tickets to Skynyrd in hand. God bless America, and God bless the greater Scranton/Wilkes-Barre metropolitan area.
And to mirror the existential dread of art mirroring reality, there’s a fundraiser on Indiegogo to buy Biden a Trans Am, just like the one depicted by The Onion. A 1981 Trans Am with the Turbo 301 should run, oh, about 20 grand at the most. Maybe a bit less if you’re not too picky about the color. Snowflake rims, of course, are extra.
Likewise, the Trans Am will be purchased, driven down to Washington DC (while burning out the entire way) for photo ops, then auctioned off for even more charity goodness. The $25,000 the fundraiser aims to get will be donated to any number of well-meaning charities, including Doctors Without Borders, GLAAD, The Wounded Warrior Project and the eponymously-named Biden Breast Health Initiative. Any amount is appreciated, but if you donate $250 you can wash Joe Biden’s Trans Am. If you donate $500 you can do a burnout in it. And if you donate $25 you get a really ugly t-shirt.
“Now, Uncle Joe won’t be able to accept this behemoth of steely American grace and power,” said the anonymous band of merry Internet pranksters. “He has these pesky laws and regulations and political-y things to deal with. Take into consideration his magnanimity and power of personality, he probably wouldn’t be able to drive the Trans AM without causing a mass outpouring of Conservative Tears.”
Here’s the kicker: Biden already loves the joke. He thinks it’s “hilarious.” And he just so happens to own another sterling blue-collar symbol of tire-smoking American V-8 goodness: a 1967 Corvette 327 convertible, in Goodwood Green, that he’s not allowed to drive anymore. One of the downfalls of helping rule the free world.
“The Secret Service won’t let me drive it,” said Biden. “I’m not allowed to drive anything. It’s the one thing I hate about this job. I’m serious.”
No word on whether there’s a campaign to buy Republican vice presidential candidate Paul Ryan a Weinermobile.