No two enterprises arouse as much interest from the public as the creation of automobiles and the filming of movies in Hollywood. Just look at how many websites there are devoted to the two. When a car or film fails, and we are talking “Showgirls” or BMW Bangle butt 7-series bad here, it manages to capture the public’s attention like little else in the world. No one really talks about when Nabisco rolls out a bad tasting new cracker, now do they?
In light of this, which creative stinkers from the auto industry and Hollywood have managed to fall into the awful hall of fame in a synergistic fashion? Merely mediocre cars or films, which may manage to be more successful financially, never manage to remain in the public consciousness for very long. To this day people still talk about Ford’s attempt to launch a new brand with the Edsel and when Kevin Costner made, well, pretty much any of his films.
To honor the Azteks and the Jean Claude Van Dammes of the world here is a list of really bad cars and some terrible films that seem made for each other. Too bad we can’t go back in time and do some modern day product placement. Just imagine an AMC Pacer in Jaws 3 in 3-D! Maybe they could have put the shark that looked rubberier than Joan Crawford’s skin in the aquarium like rear hatch.
Ford Edsel—(Kevin Costner’s “Waterworld”)—Ford poured millions of dollars (in 1950’s money) into the creation of a new luxury car called the Edsel, named after the only son of Henry Ford. What came out the other end was a ridiculously be-finned monster that looked a bit like a humpback whale descending upon a school of plankton. Ridiculed at the time as over-engineered and over-styled it is collectible today on the basis of its inherent badness.
While Mr. Costner’s “Waterworld” has yet to become collectible in anyway—no doubt you could get a copy in the 99 cent bin at Blockbuster—it too was overly expensive and overly engineered. This film cost over $250 million dollars to produce (in mid 1990’s money) and in the film the character played by the Oscar winner was nearly devoured by a ravenous sea creature that looked a bit like an Edsel. To this day both are considered two of the costliest failures to ever come out of Detroit and Hollywood.
Pontiac Aztek—(“Showgirls”)—Both of these creative endeavors tried their best to be daring and just a little bit sexy. In fact the only thing they managed to create was a visual and intellectual car crash on a scale akin to your grandmother singing along to “Baby Got Back.” With the Aztek, Pontiac hoped to cash in on the positive buzz surrounding its earlier Aztek concept car. While that concept was daring and fresh, the production version had the dubious distinction of looking like an elephant trying to cross a river on his tip-toes.
With “Showgirls,” previous “Saved by the Bell” alumnus Elizabeth Barkley tried to parlay her TV success into movie stardom. In the film all she managed to do was deliver her lines with a corpse-like monotone and hump a stripper pole with all the sexiness of an epileptic preschooler. This theatre of the absurd reached its pinnacle during a conversation between Barkley and actress Gina Gershon where they announced they loved eating “Puppy Chow.” What? When taken together, though, both the Aztek and “Showgirls” are definite guilty pleasures that when gazed upon can turn even the biggest frown upside down. We believe the term is “unintentionally hilarious.”
Pontiac Fiero—(Britney Spears in “Crossroads”)—During a scene in the film “Crossroads,” Britney Spears sang that she was “Not a Girl, Not yet a Woman.” In the 1980’s, Pontiac seemingly told us that the Fiero was “Not an MR2, Not even Reliable.” While the styling of the Fiero sure turned heads when it was released, with time buyers realized the break down prone, plastic bodied vehicle lacked substance. Sort of like one Ms. Britney Spears, we would say.
BMW 7-series—(John Travolta’s “Battlefield Earth”)—Both films were the brainchildren of megalomaniacal inventors, Chris Bangle at BMW and L. Ron Hubbard of “Dianetics” fame. One invented “flame surfacing” and the “Bangle butt” and the other invented Scientology. Unfortunately for both, the 7 series as well as the creature brought to life by John Travolta in “Battlefield Earth” are enough to give little kids nightmares. “Battlefield Earth” is worth a viewing, though, if you have always wondered what Mr. “Saturday Night Fever” would look like in dreadlocks and platform shoes. Buying a 7-series is worth it if you have always wanted to drive a car that already looks like it has been rearended.